Monday , 20 October 2014
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Advice for getting through a divorce – I just got divorced and I’m a mess. Socially I’m out of touch and physically I’m not a happy camper.

Advice for getting through a divorce – I just got divorced and I’m a mess. Socially I’m out of touch and physically I’m not a happy camper.

Debbie Martinez

I just got divorced and I’m a mess. Socially I’m out of touch and physically I’m not a happy camper. How am I at 50 going to be able to compete with 30 year olds?

It’s not a competition; it’s about you being happy with you. Give yourself an honest once over. What do you want to change? Not what the latest cover of Elle says or what your friends tell you. What do you want to change for yourself that will make you happy?

When you are happy with yourself, you will draw people to you. Be your own person with your own life and, most importantly, be happy! Where do I begin to pick up the pieces of a 17-year marriage that wasn’t what I thought it was? After the divorce, I found out he cheated on me with various women for at least 10 years! I feel like I was living a lie.

My dear, you weren’t living the lie, he was. This man is a serial cheater. This was not about you, but about his own feelings of inadequacy. Do not let this revelation taint your memories of your travels, your children or times with friends. You were living your truth, he wasn’t. Feel sorry for him because he probably will never be content. Thank your lucky stars that you are now free to find someone that doesn’t need “the thrill of the chase”.

I’m so frustrated all the time. I’m always behind the 8 ball. Help!

Perhaps you are still managing your time as you did pre-divorce. Things have changed, so priorities change. Maybe you have a job that you didn’t have before, so scheduling with your ex is now involved and complicated. You’re single and dating and new things are now on your plate. First, recognize that things are different and give yourself permission to restructure your days and weeks. Have a master list to keep yourself organized, but each day list your top three priorities and get those done. If you get to other things on your list, that’s gravy. Don’t frustrate yourself with a list front and back that even Wonder Woman would be hard-pressed to finish. Take each day individually and try not to look beyond that. The next day comes, tackle that day. At the end of the day, make a list of your priorities for tomorrow and review all that you have accomplished, and not what didn’t get crossed off the list. Remember, there are three things in life you can’t escape — death, taxes and the to-do List.

I can’t seem to get focused on where to begin working on my new life — career, family, myself, house? Do you have any suggestions to help me get started?

One of the first things I do with my clients is a life balance inventory. This assessment helps you get a clear picture of where you currently are, and then we pick two or three things to begin looking at and setting goals. If you call me, I will be more than happy to email you an inventory. It will give you a jump-start.

NOTE TO SELF: My old life is not my only life.

DEBBIE’S LIBRARY:

• Reinventing Yourself – By Steve Chandler;

• The Four Agreements – By Don Miguel Ruiz;

• Who Moved My Cheese? By Spencer Johnson

Debbie Martinez is a Certified Divorce Life Coach. She has given workshops on divorce and women’s issues and has offices in South Miami. For more information, call 305-984-5121 or go to www.thepowerofdivorcecoach.com.

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