Advice for getting through a divorce

Debbie Martinez

I just can’t get past wanting to get revenge on my ex. There’s an old saying: “The best revenge is a good life.” There is a reason why you got divorced. Remember what that is and ask yourself, “Do I still want to let my ex control me?” Whoever angers you, controls you. Let it go and live your new life.

I have these bouts of loneliness. What can I do?

Be proactive. Make a list of things that make you feel good and nurture your soul. Keep it handy so when loneliness rears its ugly head, you can pull it out and do a couple of the things you listed. Also, keep your emotions in perspective. Divorce is a process and feeling lonely is part of that process; nothing more, nothing less. Don’t personalize the feeling. Loneliness has nothing to do with your self worth, but it is about going through a change; a change that is always for the best.

Now that I’m a single parent, I’m overwhelmed all the time. Why?

You are still carrying on as when you were married. When you were married, maybe your spouse helped with the children’s daily activities, money wasn’t an issue, you had more time to yourself and you could be Super Mom or Dad. Well, now it’s just you and you are still trying to be Super Parent. Making sure the holiday decorations are up, birthday parties are in place, the house is clean, laundry is done, bills paid, and don’t forget that now you have the pressure of getting a job, managing on less money and the emotional ups and downs. Whew, no wonder you feel overwhelmed. Accept that your situation has changed and just because you can’t do it all, you are still a terrific parent. Don’t feel guilty, change with the times. Give yourself permission to do less. You will be teaching your children flexibility and resiliency.

The holidays are coming. How do I handle this?

If your family had a tradition, continue to do it. There’s something to be said for consistency. If at anytime the kids mention the void of their dad or mom, acknowledge it and talk about it. If you’re sad, your kids will be sad. Continue on as usual and maybe invite some friends over to help with the void. If the kids ask to do something different, make the change fun with a positive slant. Remember, as the parent, you set the tone. They will follow your lead or emotions.

Debbie Martinez is a Certified Divorce Life Coach. She has given workshops on divorce and women’s issues and has offices in South Miami. For more information, go to www.thepowerofdivorcecoach.com
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