Friday , 28 November 2014
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Advice for getting through a divorce

I don’t know how to say this other than very simply say, it’s not fair! Nothing about my divorce or post divorce is fair. The scales of justice seem very unbalanced and I’m stuck. Help!

Signed,

Stuck

Dear Stuck,

I will be happy to address It’s Not Fair and Other Fairy Tales. Let’s talk about the ever pervasive “It’s Not Fair” syndrome. When people get divorced, it’s very rare that they both move on in the same way at the same pace. There is always one that appears to be living la vida loca while the other struggles. One ex seems to have it all together financially, taking trips, hasn’t skipped a beat with his/her career, has a steady relationship and seems to have “won” old friends to his/her side. The other ex, however, is watching every penny and trying to figure out how he/she will retire, dealing with the daily issues of raising a family (God forbid if they’re teenagers) and hasn’t found the person of their dreams.

This is where the lamenting starts. “It’s not fair!” It seems to be every divorced person’s mantra. Sadly, some have that mantra for years. And yes, it’s not fair, but, and I hate to say it, life isn’t fair. Go ahead and slap me, but the truth is, life isn’t fair and things don’t always go as we had planned. However, that doesn’t mean that it’s not the direction you are supposed to be going in. Sometimes our life is meant to take a turn so that we can get back on the path that we were meant to be on, whether we like it or not.

Now, here comes the really hard pill to swallow. You wouldn’t be so focused on it not being fair if you were happy with your life. So the key to getting over this nonproductive syndrome is getting started with your new life and that means finding happiness now and working on yourself instead of looking over the fence at your ex.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am 100 percent validating how you feel and, if the truth be known, it’s not fair. But that is as far as I go. Are you going to be the victim or are you going to turn all this around and live the one life you have in the greatest way possible? From here on out it’s your choice how you want this to go.

The following are some exercises and thoughts that will help you move on.

• Get excited about your future; imagine all the new things you can do and become. Make a list.

• Know that the situation you are in is only temporary and a stepping stone to greater things. Your time will come.

• This is not a competition between you and your ex.

• Things aren’t always as they seem.

• It is not the end of the world; it is the beginning of a new one.

• Turn your anger around to motivate you, not destroy you.

• Live with intention, find your passion.

• Take comfort in knowing that there is a stronger force that will turn it all around.

• Find inner peace from meditation, journaling, being in nature, being creative.

• Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance; stop resisting.

• Make a Life Inventory.

• Write a Grand Design for your life (if you visit my website and email me, I will email you the Life Inventory and Grand Design).

So, instead of your divorce mantra being “it’s not fair,” make it “the best is yet to come.” See you on the other side!

Debbie Martinez is a Certified Life Coach specializing in divorce, relationships and women’s issues. She has offices in South Miami. For more information, go to <www.thepowerofdivorcecoach. com> or call 305-984- 5121.

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